Paradigm shift

A new perspective on church, a new perspective on life.

With this change comes new expectations - new expectations from people on me, and more importantly, new expectations on myself. Starting to see the value in many things that I didn't previously.

As a person I (used to be) happy with the way I am. But just like being in love with a person makes you want to be a better man, being in love with God makes me want to be a better person.

Those who have participated in the Standard Charted Marathon would probably understand the following analogy - I've graduated from the kiddy dash of an unstable Christian who requires hand holding, to the person who has signed up for the full marathon.

And really, the feeling is not so much of "Am I doing the right thing" but rather "Why didn't I do so earlier?"

It is going to be challenging, and it is going to be painful, and it is going to require much mental stamina. But like what they say - "Only the mediocre is always at the best."

Gonna evaluate myself against three Key Performance Indicators (KPI). How well I handle myself alone (with nobody looking), how well I handle myself in Church, and how well I handle myself outside of Church. Pretty huge and vague KPIs, but I already have a list of subgoals for each one forming in my mind.

I've lived a good life - I sincerely believe (even as a somewhat pessimist) that God has blessed me in overabundance. Next year will be the year where I will grow myself to be a better steward of His blessings.

Enough talk, let's get cracking.

Having faith in God's plan

Those of you who've known me for a longer time might have noticed that I'm starting to change in my personality these past few months. Shared before in CG, that normally you have to know me for a long time (months at least) before I even start talking to you on my own initiative, even longer before I would call you (in my mind) a friend.

Realised that this trait of mine has almost disappeared, as evidenced by few days where we are studying together in E1A. Think this is one of the personality traits that I've carried with me from army.. cos in my job as a storeman the tendency is to be friends only to those that earned your trust.. otherwise end up getting "eaten". Physically I had ORDed long ago, yet my mind was still in the army.

No wonder Hanhui, my sower and first shephard kept on saluting me last time, haha.. (Bowen was also doing that for a period of time -_-)

I find it very significant that it is only after that I decided to commit to this community (as compared to the past two years+ where I was unstable) that I'm starting to change for the better. In every aspect of my life, I am starting to have a new perspective.

Realised what having faith in God means, and how much more powerful it is compared to human effort. Struggled like crazy to be more friendly to the people last time, end up very stressed and quiet every time I went for service. Nowadays 拍拍屁股 (pat backside a few times, to use ellson's phrase) and I find myself regarding that person as a friend already.

Coming to know God, and deciding to commit to this community, has really changed my life for the better. (The amazing part is that my walk with God has truly started only a few months back, imagine what can happen in the 50 more years ahead.) Will be a very rough time for me as I start to venture into rediscovered territories in my life, but as the Bible says ".. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.." (Phil 3:13b)

.. If only.. I took the step of faith to commit earlier..

Jiayou all, for your exams.. =)

2 testimonies

Wow, I have 2 testimonies to share, the second one more incredible than the first.

I think some of you know that I missed my LSM2101 CA2 which was last week, cos I overslept. It really bugged me a lot that I missed the test, because it was something stupid that never happened to me before. It's just like missing an important job interview - you just make sure that it doesn't happen no matter what.

Woke up on that day feeling very bad. Even though my first impulse was to go take an MC to cover myself, I decided not to, because I felt it wasn't the right thing to do. So in the end, I had to walk around the various prof's blocks, to appeal to take the supplementary test instead.

I feel very grateful to God, as well as Dr Li QT, who allowed me to take the supp test, even though I did not have a valid reason. I'd readily admit that I'm one person who is not diligent academically, and in the process of these past few days
I was mentally bashing myself, but Dr Li's approval was something that cheered me up somewhat.

Also really thankful for the support of people like Shuyi and Calyn, as well as Jitsy and Guan Zhen, who encouraged and prayed for me in this dark (self-inflicted) period.

~ ~

The second testimony is even more miraculous in my eyes. I went for the supplementary LSM2101 test just now.. it was 2 compulsary short answer questions. And the first question set (50% of the CA grade) was out of syllabus! The other seven people taking the test with me were reading the question in stunned silence. (The topic covered, reactive oxygen species/free radicals is a level 4 module o_o).

In other words, the profs who set the paper made it so that those taking the supplementary paper would probably fail it. Cos 10 out of the 20 marks isn't covered in syllabus.

The amazing thing was that I could (roughly) do the qn! As I took out my pen and started scribbling furiously, I was feeling a wave of huge relief. I asked YF just now abt the question (cos she took that level 4 module), and I roughly got some of the main points. So instead of definitely failing the paper, I now have a chance of getting a decent grade for it.

Walked out of the test hall amazed - because if the examiners wanted to set a out of syllabus question, they could have asked anything under the sun, and I would have failed that paper. Instead he set something that I could make a good attempt on!

It's a huge miracle, something that I really did not deserve to get. Think God has showed a lot of grace to me this semester, and today's test is a huge encouragement to me as I prepare for the examinations.

Jiayou everybody, especially those taking NUS exams for the first time =) Feel glad hearing news about some people who have done well in their CAs. Let's work hard, and give glory to God.

USP is like, so cool.

Man, I wish I elected to take USP. Reading jeet's blog makes me very unhappy that I didn't fight for getting in. Can you imagine, they get to do things like theory of Mathematics.. game theory.. things that I read about a lot in the army. I even read 2 or 3 mathematicians autobiographies.. as well as the physicist Feynman. I hate maths as a subject, but I really find it fascinating on a theory level.

AND MY CRITICAL WRITING MODULE. WHERE ART THOU MR ES2000??? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 2 SEMS FOR YOU TO APPEAR ON MY MODULES BIDDING PAGE AND YOU REFUSE TO TURN UP. Meanwhile the engineering students, and the USP students are forced to take them. I'd almost pay money to take the module for them instead.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with a lot of chemicals and enzyme names in preparation for tmr's test. Harlow Mr 5'phosoribosyl pyrophosphate, meet the 700 other enzymes and chemicals inside our body.

But then, when I was in Junior college, I was totally uninterested in USP anyway, so yeah, sort of deserved it. Only when I was in the army then I started getting interested in such stuff.. haix